I have no idea who that singing midget is.
After bus-tripping through lush Japanese countryside and marveling at the otherness of it all for an hour and a half, we arrived at the root of Mt. Fuji, the breathtaking mountain that has become a spiritual mascot and immeasurable source of comfort to millions of Japanese. Sitting there, inconspicuously sprouting kaleidoscopic tendrils of rollercoaster track, as if not wanting the mountain to notice it, is Fuji-Q. And sitting in Fuji-Q, defying the sky and the very laws of logic with its sickening twists and turns, is this thing:
Behold the Eejanaika, the 4th Dimension. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the concept for this coaster was borne of some unholy communion between one of Satan's minions and a structural engineer with a black soul (who was on some really really really strong Thai stick at the time). To those of you looking at the pictures and going, "Pfft. I've seen worse," let me just set you straight real quick here.
The Eejanaika doesn't go in for that whole civilized "Oh, let's put you in a little cart and then just wheel you along our track so you can scream on cue and have your grainy-ass picture taken." Ohhh no. The Eejanaika says, "Okay, let's stick you in a four-rail rack and pinion gear mechanism where your seat rotates backwards and forwards in a 360 degree controlled spin at my demonic whim [and here it stops to wheeze evilly and perhaps let slip a wry chuckle before continuing], then whirl you around in every direction known to geometry until you can't even scream for mercy because the air in your lungs has been pushed into your lower intestine and the rest of your internal organs are begging for mercy from their brand new locations in your battered, confused torso. And then have your grainy-ass picture taken."
You see that vertical drop on the left picture? You go into it backwards. Head first. Ninety degrees down. A second later (not pictured) you go through a loop-de-loop which, just for kicks, rotates you 360 degrees backwards while you're doing it. The whole thing is just wrong. Wrong. The only proper way to describe it is to say that while you're strapped in there, God doesn't love you.
The next one we did was Dodonpa, the former fastest rollercoaster in the world and current record holder for fastest-accelerating rollercoaster. It's a blast, this one, literally: after a properly dramatic countdown, it rockets off out of its building, goes 0 to 172 km/h in 1.8 seconds, zips throughout a large portion of the park at an entirely surreal clip, then makes this stomach-destroying up-and-down:
before crashing to a halt back where it started. The whole thing is over in 30 seconds flat. I've managed to stay fairly calm in the retelling of this experience, buT WHAT THE HELL. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING.
There is no way to prepare yourself for this kind of acceleration. It's so flabbergastingly shocking that all you can do is sit and watch the world hurl itself past you, glued to your seat as your body attempts to inject twelve thousand gallons of adrenaline into your bloodstream. While the countdown was going, Mark was waving his arms and laughing; when the thing hit zero and the steam hissed and we went sonic, he was instant pancake against his headrest. I would have laughed, had I not been literally in the same boat.
Odd as it may seem, this one shook me even more than Eejanaika did, at least on a pure adrenaline level. After Eejanaika I felt quaintly shaken by mankind's potential for evil but my legs weren't quivering; after Dodonpa, I could barely hold my Johnson without machinegunning all over the pastel-colored blue porcelain, like a fierce but misguided urinary Rambo. The guy next to me, in the manner of outraged Japanese everywhere, quietly finished his business and walked away, ignoring me as completely as if I were a book he had never heard about in a library he had never seen.
On another topic, I am happy to announce that today marked mine and Krust's virginal first-hand encounters with honest-to-goodness Engrish. Being nothing less than your faithful servant, I have recorded it and presently display it here for posterity.
Click the picture to read the fine print.
Additionally, we learned that the theme park's managers have some rather creative notions about how to optimally dispose of garbage:
We ate some fairly bland amusement park food and went on several smaller rides barely worth mentioning, with the possible exception of ZOLA 7, which was an amazingly godawful robots-and-lasers-pewpewpew ride through a darkened catacomb, which climaxed in a half-assed rollercoaster swoop in the dark and an "end boss" that was a giant red-eyed plastic robot snake who went "BLOOP DE BLEEP." Yeah, I think I'll be sticking to EVE Online, but thank you anyway.
I also tried very hard to do the majesty of Mount Fuji justice with my layman's camera skillz. Here are the most successful attempts of the lot:
After this rather amazing day, five worn-out youngsters retired to an eight o'clock bus, where they slept the ride away, then said their goodbyes in preparation for an absolute blast-o-rama of clubbing madness tomorrow night. On the way home, the Hodemonster took Krust and myself into a Yoshinoya establishment for some grub.
Gyūdon is one of the most popular forms of fast foods in Japan, and Yoshinoya are the largest such chain in the country. Gyūdon is basically a bowl of rice in a tasty sauce the make-up of which I do not exactly know, with onion and beef strips liberally laid on top. Plainly put, it looks like shit.
It tastes absolutely awesome, however, and it's dirt cheap. I am definitely going there again, and Yoshinoya need a franchise in Iceland.
On the agenda for tomorrow: a Sushi lunch with Hana-chan, the Hodemonster's lovely and talented wife; a chilled out day at home doing laundry and going on exploratory walks around the neighborhood; and an absolute massive blinder of a clubbing night at a Shibuya night club called The Womb, where drum n' bass moguls Total Science will be ripping the proverbial shit up. Expect the next post Sunday.
Peace, love and respect.
